I forgot to buy the dradel today...I just remembered (thank you xanga...you have a purpose after all)

have to buy it on friday

in the meantime, time to bury

two more classes

and kiss another semester goodbye

 

the first one was even funnier when I stopped and thought about it for a little while--

coughFAKEIDcough

twas the night before last
sitting all alone
with the window open to the cold
bracing myself against the change
from summer to fall
this fell out of a guitar I held in my hands
I guess, this is where my head was at
this is how my moods felt under the sound of the wind...

let's just call it, "the hollow men" for sake of a better term
I have lyrics, but silence speaks louder
for the time being

it's incomplete
and I'm not sure where to go from here:

this is the mood I've been in
while I still struggle to find the words that work
the magic to bring it all back

please--

[let me say the words for you]

my heart hurts
weighs heavy on my shirt sleeves ripped off
at the cuffs, the gauntlet falls in a slow motion ripple
as I meet you halfway across the floor
begin: the slow dance of wits...tearing myself up in your eyes looking back
I'm seeing double of myself and it hurts cause you show me all the pain I'm wrapped up in
myself
and continue to cause
no burden to bear, no cross
at the risk of sounding melodramatic
I am the worst sort of philistine
don't be difficult you whisper in my ear serpentine silence following in short bursts
I long for...that taste of gasps in short supply like our air supply was running out
suga suga...how you get so...
and I'm trying desperately to back pedal on a broken down treadmill
collecting dust in the corner of my soul real feelings I didn't feel until it was too late
until the novacaine of my collective soul wore off and shot me up with real pain...
pain I could feel to the root of my teeth, like splitting a canal in two
like pulling a tree up by its roots
be my burning bush to point the way
while we mosey in vain to find our seats in this musical chairs of a game called life where every daily double dose of jeopardy finds me sitting alone with my awkward overanalyzing piece of shit self of a whore of a psychoanalyst's ass crack showing like a plumber's broken tooth smile I want to get out of this shit, run away from it all, but I keep tripping on my goddamn shoelaces, and I look down and realize I'm not even wearing shoes cause I keep stubbing my toe on your goddamn smile, sparkling pretty teeth that make me pause and check my own in the rearview mirror careening off the asphalt into a ditch filled with the pitch and tar that will become my own suit of armor...my black as night black hole that absorbs all light and leaves none nothing to the touch but cold, ice icy icing of cold...like fake plastic frosting that's the worst cause it never breaks down, never melts in the sun, covered by ants, it never runs out like an energizer bunny of

[I wrote this a while ago, but until I update myself on paper, this is what I'm putting down now...this is how writing works--the ultimate time machine that keeps me afloat in the here and now...that is to say, when you write something and it's *only* a matter of days, weeks, months, even years later until you finally figure out how it really feels to be yourself...what the words really taste like coming out of your own mouth;

thus, time in writing is never linear but circular, much as in life, in which we find ourselves constantly spinning in circles; but I refuse to believe that this is necessarily a bad thing considering that turning our eyes to the sky we see entire galaxies spinning likewise]

[additional side note: this is only half of what I originally wrote (completely unedited as usual); I'll post the other half later, or maybe I'll just rewrite it, weather depending of course]

enter number one -
I'm taking the elevator back up to your room

enter number two -
I'm sitting here on my bed waiting for you

one -
I'm counting the floors up

two-
I'm counting the seconds down

1 -
I'm reaching out to push stop

2 -
I'm reaching to turn the T.V. off

1 -
I'm taking a deep breath now

2 -
I'm letting my hair down

1 -
I can't keep my hands from shaking as I continue on

2 -
I hope I know the right words to say before they come out

1 -
I'm walking down the hallway, I can already see your face

2 -
I'm so tired, this past week has been such a waste

1 -
I pause in front of your door, uncertain and unsure

2 -
I've waited so long just to tell you how much

1 -
I've missed you, I just don't know where to start

2 -
My heart's beating so fast, I check the mirror once more

1 -
I can see myself standing there without a clue, I only wish I knew

2 -
Who I was, before I met you--it doesn't matter anymore

1 -
We embrace, but already our time is up

2 -
Has it been two days? Life hurts so much

1 -
I can't escape, I can't let go, will I see you tomorrow though?

2 -
I turn and look away, I'm too tired to cry

1 -
I watch her turn and inside I die

2 -
if only he could stay the night

1 -
if only this felt right

2 -
I wish you were mine

1 -
I wish you knew why

2 -
Maybe I was wrong

1 -
I like her too much to screw things up

2 -
Does it always have to be this way?

1 -
We have to wait for love to grow

2 -
I'm better now, after all I still have hope

1 -
I reach out to her, I want to hold her so much it hurts

2 -
If only I could let it go

1 -
My hand's outstretched, but I'm already having doubts

2 -
I wish he knew what I was feeling now

1 -
I draw back, but I know I'll always regret it

2 -
It'll all make sense one day

1 -
For better or for worse I hear myself say

2 -
I turn and let him hold me anyway

1 -
For a moment, I let everything else slip away

2 -
Life might not be perfect

1 -
But deep down inside at least I know

2 -
My heart still works

(1/24/06)